The Blog

What is a Virgin?

My Mom enrolled me into a Catholic high school my freshman year. She thought it would be a better experience for me because the public schools I had gone to were doing nothing for me. (If I showed up to class there probably could have been a different outcome, but I guess we will never know, will we.) Moving on. The summer before my Sophomore year, I went to go live with my Dad in Wisconsin. To a little town called Beaver Dam, population 13. Give or take a thousand. Why the hell did my Dad have to move to this place in the middle of nowhere? Why couldn’t he move somewhere cool so when I left my Mom’s in Minnesota and gave her the big F YOU, (more like she actually kicked me out but whatever) I could have made it seem like I was moving on to bigger and better things?

My Dad had a townhouse right across the street from the school, which is geographically undesirable for someone like me, considering I wouldn’t be able to have any excuse to be late. My first day of school I went to the principles office to get my class schedule and figure out where I was supposed to go, since I hadn’t had the chance to go to orientation or check out the school beforehand. (Orientation is for amateurs.) My first friend that I made was this guy with blue eyes and dark hair. (I’m only describing him because I can’t remember his name. No I was not attracted to him. In case you were wondering.) He came up to me at my locker and asked me if I was new, and wanted to help show me where my classes were. I’m sure he wanted to show me something else too, but back then I didn’t even know what a penis was so that’s irrelevant. Some time not long after that, I met this guy named Edgar. He always came to my locker and wanted to walk me to my classes. He was the first guy I liked there, and I know he wanted to be the only guy that was taking me on long romantic walks to sharpen my pencils. He had asked me if I was friends with said-guy-with-blue-eyes and I said yea, he’s the first person that talked to me in school and he’s just really nice. Well, Edgar let me know that this guy had stuck his dick in a vacuum and got it stuck. So, naturally, I had to go to the source and ask him if it was true. Thinking Edgar told me this just so that I would stop being friends with him, I expected it to be untrue. I can’t remember his exact reaction, but I’m pretty sure his answer was somewhere along the lines of “It was a dare!.” As you can imagine, our friendship kind of fizzled after that. Just couldn’t get the “dick in vacuum” image out of my head.

Not too long after starting school, there were rumors swirling around about me. I remember leaving class one day to go to the bathroom, and someone had written my name in the stall along with “IS A SLUT!”. I just stared at it thinking, “WTF!. Who would hate me so much and write this about me?” One of my girlfriends pulled me aside and had told me that everyone in school was talking about me and Edgar, and how I had already had sex with him.  I couldn’t believe it. I was still the new girl in school, I had only been there for maybe a month, and people were going around saying I was a slut? I didn’t even know what sex was, i.e. what is a virgin? My parents were so strict I didn’t have a cable tv channel until I was 15 years old, so I grew up extremely sheltered. (Things got wild, let me tell you.)

Eventually I connected the dots and figured out that it was Edgar himself who had spread the rumor. I remember I went to the movies with a group of my friends, and he kept calling me. I reluctantly answered, with probably a “What do you want?” and he admitted to spreading the rumor. He apologized profusely, saying it was a dick move and he was just trying to sound cool. I remember thinking at that time how horrible it was for people to hear something about someone they know nothing about, and to pass the information along trying to defame me. I’ve never been one to conform to what everyone else is doing, or to chime in and talk badly about someone just because others are doing it. Being a female, I can say that women are the worst when it comes to friendships. Of course this experience happened at the hands of a guy, but so many times in my life I’ve seen women bash their own friends, only to hang out with them right afterwards.

So, my sophomore year of high school I was a virgin, aka a hoebag. I went to a new high school in a different state not knowing a single person in that town. I was just an innocent 15 year old trying to figure things out. I remember telling myself that I would never be a person that takes part in trying to put other people down. I was always friends with different groups of people, I never wanted to try to ‘fit in’ or be a part of anyone’s clique. I remember going to sit next to this girl named Caroline at lunch, because she would sit by herself and it seemed like she didn’t have any friends. People would say she lived in a trailer park, and I always felt bad for her because you can’t control the environment you grow up in. We don’t get to choose our parents. Or the income level that we are raised on. I’m grateful that I didn’t grow up with social media, especially with it being as prolific as it is now in our day and age. So many people jump on the bandwagon of talking badly about other people, or focusing their energy on bringing other people down.

You have to get to know people before you form opinions about them. You have to ignore negativity and gossip. People are always going to have something to say about you. Whether its good, bad, true or not true. Just because you hear something about someone, it doesn’t make it true. Especially in high school, all everyone did was spread rumors about everyone. Where are those people now? Don’t answer that, because no one cares where they are. (At least I don’t.) The most important thing you can do is to just stay true to yourself. You don’t have to follow what everyone else is doing. You don’t have to hate someone or talk badly about someone just because people around you do. I can’t be friends with people that base their conversations around other peoples’ lives’. (Did I put the apostrophes in the right places? FML. OCD. Anyways.)

I learned that people will try to bring you down just for being a big hoe bag in high school (aka a virgin) and you don’t have to let it affect you.

You know why? Because you’re not a hoe. And if you are, that’s your story to tell. Not anyone else’s.





Lessons in Life & Death

Yesterday I was on the phone with my sister and she was telling me about her ex boyfriend. They have been on and off for awhile, and I guess he went from texting her being nice to threatening to kill himself. As I was on the phone just listening to her, all of a sudden it brought back all of these memories. Something that I didn’t remember for years until yesterday, was that my sister was suicidal when I was younger.  Growing up I was really into sports and a complete tomboy, I hated makeup and girlie things. My sister was either out with her older friends or in her room (that she had painted completely black) either reading or drawing. The one thing we had in common was that we both did everything we could to avoid having to be home. I remember always being at odds with her because she never wanted to hangout with me, and she was always really sad and lethargic. At that time I didn’t know what ‘depression’ was, and I thought she was just being lazy and feeling sorry for herself. I remember countless times her telling me and our family that she wanted to kill herself, she didn’t want to live anymore. And then she would disappear. Runaway. One time my Mom came home and told me she had gone for a drive looking for her (this is after she had been missing for probably weeks), and she said she saw her downtown just sitting next to the side of a building, but she wouldn’t get in the car with her. I would go to school so many days not knowing if I was going to come home and the cops were going to say my sister was found dead or not. I became so hurt and numb to it, I told her she should just do it because I was sick of everyday not knowing if my sister was going to be alive or dead. How horrible and insensitive is that of me? Thinking back, that memory just puts a sick feeling inside of me. Growing up I looked at her as being selfish for always telling me she wanted to die, without thinking about how that would affect her little sister, and more importantly our little brother. Even writing this pains me for the simple fact that I didn’t remember any of this until my phone call with her yesterday.

I know what it feels like to have someone that you love tell you that if you leave them, they will kill themselves. I know what it is like to get a text message saying that my ex boyfriend had just died, (my first love), after he had been trying to get back with me and I had told him no. Death is such a scary, real thing to me. Seeing someone you love in a casket that hasn’t even made it to their 21st birthday is no joke. Hearing that someone my sister loves is threatening to end his life, makes me want to do everything in my power to help, but you learn as you grow up that you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. If you really love someone, you don’t put the weight of your life in their hands.

I take everything in life as a valuable lesson. So many people preach that you should treat others the way they treat you, but I don’t believe in that at all. I always want to be nice to people, because you never know what they are going through behind closed doors. You never know if just being kind, or holding the door open for someone could make their day. It’s easy to judge people by the way they look, the pictures they post, the way they dress. As depressing as this post may seem, I wanted to write about it because the most valuable lessons I’ve learned have come from situations that at one time were painful. Your character gets built through the storms you make it through. Some people let the negative things they’ve been through define them, and use it as an excuse to treat others poorly. Regardless of what I’ve encountered in my life, I know that it made me the strong person I am today. I know that the things that I’ve gone through have served their purpose because they’re a reminder of where I’ve come from, and why I am the person I am today.

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, always.”






It’s The Little Things

Except when he whips out that little d…. Nevermind.


Ever since I was 16 years old I’ve suffered from migraines. They would come on every 3-6 months out of nowhere, and I’d be in agonizing pain for a few hours waiting for them to dissipate. I never knew what they were from or what to attribute them to, and for several years they seemed to have gone away. Fast forward to now. I don’t even want to think about how much of the past year has gone by that I spent in bed because of my migraines. Slowly over the course of the last couple years they’ve come on almost weekly. Everyone that gets headaches has a different experience, thus is the same with migraines. I get them so bad to the point that my vision is foggy and I feel like I’m blacking out all day until the pain comes to a head and I can’t even move. To say I became extremely depressed is an understatement. I can’t even put it into words. I went to bed every night holding my head (because it hurt, not as a praying ritual lol) and prayed that I would just wake up without any pain, that’s all I wanted. I’ve gone to so many doctors, most of whom wanted to just prescribe me pain medicine and send me out the door. That wasn’t and will never be an option for me. I don’t want to be a zombie, but thank you so much for the help and the bill!

At first I could take a prescribed migraine med (Sumatriptan or Imitrex) but I got the headaches so frequently my body stopped responding to them and they just made me sick. The last year of my relationship I was basically in pain 24/7. I would be out running errands, doing every day things and have to race home in fear of blacking out while I was at the grocery store. Or worse, driving my car. I’ve been hospitalized 2 or 3 times so far this year, and as attractive as I may think I am, I can admit that I do not look cute in a hospital gown and booties.

A couple months ago a friend of mine referred me to a pain specialist 3 hours away. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve been referred to a doctor, gotten my hopes up that I could just go back to being my happy normal self, and having them crushed. However, as horrible as I’ve felt I know deep down that being positive is the only way you can live, regardless how many times you feel like you’ve hit a wall. The doctor that I met with was absolutely amazing. She said my two options were to do an occipital nerve block or Botox for migraines. We opted to do the Botox because the nerve block wasn’t fitting for the type of headaches I was getting. She gave me 31 shots, mostly in the back of my head, neck, and a few above my eyebrows. (Next time it would be greatly appreciated if she would throw a couple extra shots in along my smile lines and upper forehead so I don’t have to express myself.)

I titled this entry “It’s the Little Things,” because it truly is. Before my headaches left me debilitated, I never realized how grateful I was to be healthy. We all are too busy living our lives that we take the little things for granted. When I went to bed in pain, all I wanted was to wake up feeling good so that I could enjoy my day. I wasn’t thinking about menial material things. I wanted to have a day, ONE DAY, where I felt like my normal, happy self. The one that wakes up and can’t function before my cup of coffee, but once I get it I’m nice and friendly and might even do the laundry with the music blaring.

When you’ve spent as much time in doctors’ offices as I have, you realize how many people out there are suffering. Suffering through things far worse then anything we could even imagine. It makes you realize how trivial the things are that we’ve been upset about before, like a fake nail breaking and ruining your day. Looking at my life and the greater picture, I realize how thankful I am when I go days without any pain. I still get frequent headaches here and there, but just the simple fact that I can write about having good days despite all of it is something that I wouldn’t trade for the world, not even a Chanel bag. I still have days where I can’t leave my house because I’m so foggy I can’t function or think straight. But those days make me appreciate the good days that much more. I hope (and effing pray) one day my headaches will altogether dissipate, but until then I know that I have to be thankful for the life that I do have, because I know that it could be so much worse.