The Blog

Let it come, & Let it Go

I just turned on my laptop and looked at the time, and it says 3:44 am. I forgot for a second that I’m in London, and its almost 11 o’ clock. I was going to go back to sleep, but this random topic just came to my mind, and it wouldn’t go away;

so here I am writing. 

Last night I went out with my friends, got tipsy off maybe 2 drinks (bcuz if you know me I never party & rarely drink), went back to the hotel and ate pizza while taking a bubble bath. I was actually going to take it up a notch and open up the wine bottle the concierge left in my room, but I couldn’t find the wine opener. So, I took it as a sign from God I didn’t need any more liquor and just had to settle for pizza and bubbles. Subtract the wine. (This makes for a great boomerang in case you were wondering. I mean, not like I’m going to post it or anything, but just trust me.)

I woke up thinking about guilt; how it has consistently impeded my life without a simple or logical reasoning behind it. That is, of course, what emotions are. They come and go, and are completely separate from logic. But that doesn’t make them any more clear, or easy to dissect and understand, when they just randomly seep in. This morning I was instantly brought back to my childhood; how regardless where I was, or what I had accomplished, a sense of guilt was something I carried with me like a proverbial backpack. Not one you can see, touch, or just take off and throw in the closet to go through and sort out later. One that you involuntarily carry with you, throughout all stages in your life; Except you only notice it on occasion, at the most inconvenient times; and you can’t just reach around, grab the straps and take it off.

It’s glued on.

There’s so many small parts in my writings that I touch on that need a blog of their own, to be fully understood; but all of our lives are like big puzzle.. Without adding in little pieces here and there, the picture wouldn’t be as clear; so please bare with me as I work through my ADD while working on becoming a good writer. Lol.

I’ve been on my own since I was 16 years old. I packed up a suitcase, and just left. I was still enrolled in high school, technically; but I was so unhappy and underwhelmed with the society norm. The monotony of what I was supposed to do; how I was supposed to act and what was expected of me, just left me yearning for so much more.

My junior year of high school I auditioned at a talent agency in the Twin Cities (an hour and a half drive away from the city I was from). I wanted to model and act, and I had done research for weeks trying to find a way out of the life I was living, and into something that I actually was passionate about. I skipped class to drive to my audition, all alone, without telling anyone; and I got a call a week or two later saying that I had been accepted.

So… I dropped out of high school.   

I started doing little modeling jobs here and there, and I just knew that I wanted to get out of Minnesota. When I was 19 years old I flew out to Orlando for a modeling job. Once again, I had a single suitcase with my life and its entirety inside. I immediately immersed myself in the industry. I worked as a promo model full time; for companies like Rockstar Energy & Macallan Scotch, I cocktail waitressed at Roxy nightclub. I took modeling jobs (paid and unpaid) whenever I could; I got a job as a hostess at a restaurant at Universal Disney, and in between all of this I worked as a nanny to a family and their 3 kids.

I hustled.

I remember getting my first magazine cover, it was by “Suite 400 Magazine”, and my first ever company advertisement posters, with me as the face. (Those aren’t major accomplishments by any means, but at the time I worked so hard it was the symbolism.) It just lit this fire up inside of me. A fire of pride, of course, because I was so young just trying to make it on my own, doing what I loved. But a true fire, by nature, inevitably goes out; sometimes burning you on its way; and I was always living my life doing whatever I could to keep the fire ablaze.

Instead of being someone that sits back and enjoys the ‘fruits of their labor’, aka, take a moment to be proud of myself; I immediately needed to work towards the next thing. Nothing I did, once I had accomplished it, did I ever feel was ever worthy of an internal celebration (that lasted longer then 3 seconds).

Growing up, in my heart and soul I wanted so much for myself; A magazine cover. A publication. A column. To be on a TV show. To host my own show. But once I did all of those things, they became that; just things. Like a grocery list you type in your notes and then eventually forget about or delete.

 I always carried with me this sense of guilt that I wasn’t doing enough. Not in the sense of validation, or lacking in self esteem; but for some reason, my internal compass just wouldn’t stay put. Nothing I had accomplished was enough. I craved so many things when I was younger, and once those things came to fruition, I was immediately looking for what was next. I remember sitting in the living room in Minnesota, watching the UFC fights thinking, “I want to be a be a ring girl. I’m going to be a ring girl one day.”

Fast forward, years later, I worked for Corona Boxing on the day of the Mayweather fight, in vegas. (I was a ring girl for multiple companies, and to this day it is one of my favorite jobs to date, but that was the one that stood out in my memory.) 

Ever since I can remember, the stagnant feeling of guilt just followed me around like the plague. I’m writing so much about my innermost feelings on not doing ‘enough’, because at the base of that sentiment, [in my opinion anyways], is guilt. I remember being on vacation in the Dominican Republic with a group of my friends when I was 21. While everyone was sitting in the room just talking, partying, etc, I was trying to multitask and connect to the wifi so I could update and work on my modeling resume/portfolio.

There I was, in a beautiful hotel on a beautiful island, and my mind was thinking about jobs I was missing out on; and all the emails I wanted to work on to send to companies so they would want to book or sign me.

Fast forward to today. November 12, 2019. Waking up with this on my mind feels so visceral and nostalgic; I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that in a little over a month, I’ll have lived through 3 decades. (10 x’s 3 equals 30 years of age, but I’m a high school dropout so like…. What is math?). Maybe it has nothing to do with age, but everything to do with life experience, maturity, growing into your own person. Becoming more connected and aligned with the person you really are. (That might sound cheesy AF and if you know me you know I’m not at ALL a cheesy person lol)

Reflecting on the trajectory of my life I’ve come to the realization that no matter where you are in the world, you can’t escape your mind.

I think when we speak to others about life, and give our friends advice; we’re really just speaking to our younger selves. I don’t believe in regrets, and I hate when people say, “If I could go back in time, I would do this differently.” Because, I’m sorry for being the one that has to break the news to you, but you can’t go back in time. (Elon Musk has done a lot of mission impossible ish things, but time travel is not one of them. I DMed him but he has yet to respond so I’ll keep you posted on that one. If anything changes, you’ll be the first to know.)

Guilt is not a tangible thing. It’s not something you can grasp on to, physically, and throw far away from you like a basketball. But it’s something, once we can step outside of ourselves and reflect upon, that we can choose, moving forward, to no longer carry. Like all emotions, we will never have complete control. We were all made the way we were for a reason. I’m not saying that once you become self aware of a particular feeling, that you can immediately control it an make it no longer exist. But looking at my own life I’ve realized how much time I’ve spent, wasted time, on not just living in the moment.

I always said I wanted a spread in Playboy magazine. And I only wanted it if and when I took my breast implants out, so that I could show other women they don’t have to change themselves for society, just to be ‘beautiful’ or ‘accepted’. And I got a spread in Playboy magazine, 8 pages to be exact, after I took my implants out. Instead of being proud of myself or feeling accomplished, my immediate thought was, “Next time, I need to be on the cover.” 

Even as I’m writing this, I can be transparent and just tell you that recognizing parts of ourselves that we (& myself, obviously) want to better is a life long journey; Change doesn’t just happen overnight. Waking up and realizing I’ve wasted so much of my life being hard on myself, not allowing myself to soak in and live in that moment, makes me realize how much I’ve let myself miss out on. (I’m a Capricorn so it’s in our nature to overthink, overanalyze, stay up night planning our next move, etc. lol)  I’m learning to be present. To be in the moment. It probably sounds crazy, but I even have a hard time feeling ‘proud’ of myself because in my mind I have so much more left to accomplish.

So many mountains to climb. 

We can’t control how our hearts feel, and we can’t control how our minds operate, or the thoughts that invade our head space when we’re idle. But we can make a conscious effort to change the dialogue, direction and narrative when that shadow of negativity or unease shows up unannounced.

It’s human to feel, over think, react; That’s what makes you, you. We can’t change who we are at the core; because that would take away our uniqueness. But maybe, when we’re on that ‘mountain’; instead of trying to rush to get to the top, with no breaks along the way, we can stop for a drink of [138] water and look back at the view. Stand back and admire how far we’ve come, how much strength it gives us knowing if we’ve gotten this far, and realize that the rest of the climb will be worth the struggle; without a side of guilt for needing a little break from time to time. 

 

 

Dopamine

We live in a world where self esteem and a sense of belonging is being served on a platter of empty calories. You take the best photo of your life, you edit it to perfection and post it. Now you sit and wait for the ‘likes’ to come in, and your sense of validation is internal apprehension.. It can only be fulfilled when, and if, you get the public stamp of approval.

I’m not pretending that I have a sociology degree, (or any degree for that matter, considering the fact that I dropped out of high school lol) but I wanted to write this post from my own perspective because I’ve seen first hand the affects that come along with the invisible pressures of social media. How can any of us believe that the widespread presence and obsession with our social interactions, (albeit non physical, but cyber) aren’t simultaneously affecting our communication and social skills as a generation?

Teenagers and young adults that use social media have a 71% higher chance of severe depression, suicidal tendencies, and extreme anxiety.

I titled this blog ‘Dopamine‘ because that’s exactly the kind of affect Instagram has on our minds and bodies; Similar to that of a drug. (I’m sure snapchat, Facebook, etc. is the same, I’m just pointedly speaking about one platform because I don’t have any of the other ones.) I think the severity of the disconnect we’re all creating is real, but it’s a platform that so many of us (myself included) use to fulfill the supply and demand of our industry. The rush we all get from acceptance on social media, is like the rush from a synthetic drug. The definition of a drug is, “a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect.” Something that is habit forming, something that one turns to yet tries to quit to no avail.

If social media wasn’t similar to a drug, it wouldn’t be so hard for people to stay away from or outright delete in the first place.

The more we log in online, the less and less we actually need to talk to people. We’re creating a cyber society where we don’t know how to connect in real life, because everything is focused on our phones. How ironic is that? That one of the main platforms we use to communicate with people, is also creating a cause and effect of isolation and disconnect? I’m not saying that everything is a negative! I’m just simply trying to point out how different the world has become.

I’ve been at shoots with girls that have 200K, 1 million, 5 million followers, and they can’t even hold a conversation because they’re on their phones the entire time trying to post the perfect photo; instead of interacting and living in the moment. It’s like so many of us would rather interact with people online, ones we haven’t even met, then the people that are standing right in front of us.  I would love to direct a show that shows the behind the scenes actuality of what’s happening from post creation to submission. AKA. What the public sees when they look at posts, versus what’s actually going on in real life the second that post hits the net.

Episode 1; Girl goes on an all girls vacation to Cabo. Is going through a messy breakup. Takes hot picture (s) to show ex what he’s missing. Posts inspirational quote, something by the author Rumi or perhaps Marilyn Monroe. Adds in the hashtags ‘so blessed’ & ‘living my best life’. Glances at post with satisfaction. Hits the post button. Goes back, clicks edit, and adds in the hashtag ‘so unbothered’. Takes one too many shots of tequila and ends up crying in a bathroom at a club, angering the other drunk girls that really just need to pee, while her friends convince her to get off her phone and stop checking up on what her ex is doing. Walks back to table. Takes more hot dance videos. Goes back to the hotel room and leaves 27 voicemails on her ex’s phone, reminding him he’s not shit, and that she does, in fact, NOT miss him.  

Social media has become a safety net for ‘dating’, because being rejected on a 3rd party site hurts a little less then an ignored phone call or text message. Guys get the attention of the girl they like by liking a couple of their pictures, hitting the follow button, and then following that extreme amount of effort up with a message that says, “Hi.” It’s easier to be vulnerable and open to someone through an app because if it doesn’t go the way we want it’s not an instantaneous physical rejection, just a cyber one that we can just chalk up to a lost in translation sort of thing.

Instead of having to get to know someone in real life, you can now just read their bios and assess wether or not you like that persons’ vibe. I mean, why tell people your favorite things or food preferences when you can just write “explorer” and “vegan” in your bio??

Someone that read my blog had reached out to me and said, “You write about some deep sh*t Aubrey.” Well.. What I’m writing about is real. One day I’ll make a post about my favorite makeup products, my outfit go to’s, maybe my skincare routine. But those type of posts aren’t why I created a blog in the first place. I’m not going to ignore the deeper unspoken truths that are lingering around us. I think a lot of people are scared to write about certain topics because of how they will be perceived. So many of us strive for perfection, and we want the world to see only the best sides of us.

Granted, I don’t show you guys pictures of me crying when I’m PMSing and the world is absolutely ending.. But no one wants to see me with mascara running down my face. I’m actually doing you a favor.   

Our social media networks were created for positive reasons. To connect with people, to network, to interact with individuals all over the world that we might never have met otherwise. They are gateways (now considered a necessity) used to spread information, to inspire, to motivate. But I had to write about the darker side of it because we can ignore the truth all we want; but it still exists. When you go on Instagram, does it leave you feeling better or worse about yourself? We’re comparing ourselves and lives to these illusions of material things, lifestyles, and relationships that don’t really exist. The next best thing, wether it’s a vacation, material item, or person, is only a click away. Our attention spans are inherently shorter and shorter, and we’re yearning for what’s on the other side of the fence because the posts on other people’s pages are more appealing then our own.

But you know what?

Sometimes the grass is greener, on the other side of the fence, because it’s fake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Life in Japan

I have about 15 half written blogs I’m currently working on. Most of the notes in my phone are full of random ideas that come to me, whether it’s a new blog topic or a title I would want to make use of. I woke up the other morning and the thought randomly crossed my mind… Why haven’t I written about my life in Japan?

 

 

 

10 & 2

As you’re growing up, the relationships in your household influence your idea and vision of what love is, and it’s something that you carry with you, consciously and subconsciously into your adult life.

I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that if you’re still reading this, you’ve probably experienced the kind of love where you have a heated argument, you’ve made up your mind for the 1,237th time that you’re done, and you pack up your belongings. (If you haven’t then just keep reading for entertainment value.) You clear out the one drawer you have in his place, (grabbing your toothbrush on the way out to really put the nail in the coffin), and slam the front door shut on your way out. Now you’ve thrown your belongings in your car, the keys are in the ignition, and you’re sitting in the driveway SO DONE WITH HIM, yet wondering why he hasn’t come outside yet to stop you from leaving.

Ok let’s fast forward. You’ve had time to decompress from that last relationship, (blocked your ex on everything, including Ebay) and you feel like you’re ready for that Sunday morning kind of love. One night you meet a guy when you’re out with your friends, and he seems to match the criteria you’ve created on your mental checklist of your next potential boyfriend. He’s wearing a button up Ralph Lauren polo, (not exactly your style but you can take him shopping later), works for a Hedge Fund, and at the end of the night calls a driver to make sure you and your girlfriends get home safely. (Yawn.) At first, you’re extremely proud of yourself because you feel like you’ve broken the cycle of the toothbrush taking, drawer unpacking, speeding out of the driveway relationships you’ve previously attracted. A month in, you’re in the passenger seat of Ralph-Lauren-button-up-wearing-good-guy’s car. You glance over, and can’t help but notice that he’s driving with his seat in an upright proper position, with his hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel. This is the pivotal moment that you realize that this is not the kind of person that you want to be with. You are not the type of girl that dates a 10 and 2 kind of driver. You long for the kind of guy that sits in his car with a gangster lean, one hand on the steering wheel, one hand on your thigh, looking over at you instead of paying attention to the road, risking both your lives’.

Every relationship you are in brings out a different side of you. Different people ignite different parts from within. I personally could never be content with a this-person’s-safe type of love. A lot of people talk about their relationships, and how they’re quote un quote ‘happy’, but there is no fire. I couldn’t live without it. It takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone, and I’m not the type of person that falls in love easily.  But is it possible to have an all consuming love, with the fire, passion and respect all in one?

Everyone has different standards when it comes to love and relationships. We all have certain things that we are and aren’t willing to compromise on when it comes to a significant other. I’m not a relationship expert by any means (understatement of the century hellurrrr) but I think it’s important to never sway when it comes to your inner desires and expectations.

I don’t have an answer for each individual’s definition or idea of what love should be, but what I do know is that the most important thing in a relationship is respect. When someone respects you and values you, the fire between you is the healthy kind. The kind that keeps you on your toes, yet drives you to be a better version of yourself. What better feeling is there when it comes to a significant other, then the feeling of feeling safe with someone, the feeling of knowing that regardless if you’re in that persons’ presence or not, they’re honoring you and the bond that you have between the two of you. That’s the kind of fire that makes you want to get on a red eye and show up at their door in a trench coat and heels.

If you want to date Ralph Lauren polo wearing guy, go for it. If a guy that drives with a slight gangster lean is more up your alley then, well, we have something in common. Is it fun to be driven crazy by someone? Absafuckinlutely not. But I think there’s a fine line between being with someone out of wanting to just feel ‘safe’ but not having that fire, and being with someone that drives every single part of you;

and I don’t think life was meant to be lived just going through the motions.

A little passionate argument followed by maybe an inanimate object being thrown (such as a shoe or a McDonald’s bag of food that your boyfriend is trying to devour) never really hurt anybody. And, if it did in fact actually physically hurt someone then you’re crazier than I am and you should seek help… immediately.

Monsters Are Real.

I was inspired to write this post because of a blog I read that someone I know wrote. She wrote about her struggle with a physically abusive relationship, and reading it just ripped at my heart…. Because we had dated the same guy.

I never felt inclined to write about this topic because being vulnerable is extremely hard for me. I’m an innately private person, and to be completely honest there’s a lot of shame that comes with admitting to have gone through a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Society doesn’t understand why anyone would just stay, and I honestly don’t blame anyone for asking that question because up until I had gone through it, I would’ve had the exact same response. Um, leave!

I have a lot of peace in writing this right now (years later) because I know that in my heart it’s something that could help someone else. People that follow me on social media see a certain side of me, in a certain light; an idyllic image if you will. But it is never and has never been my intention to create an image of perfection for the world to see. I hope if you’re reading this and you can relate to this story, that you find comfort in knowing that there is so much more than what you see on our platforms. Girls that post half naked photos in lingerie, drinking cups of coffee in different parts of the world, and post insta stories that seemingly are always up in the air on a plane, have been through some real shit too. Okkkkkur.

Several years ago I found myself in a relationship with someone that turned out to be a complete monster. The first 4 months we were together he treated me like a princess. The first time I was ever scared of him was after we had gone out to a club. I remember we got home and I immediately just laid in bed while he went upstairs. He walked into the room, got on top of me, and started choking me. I was begging him to stop, and he finally did and just passed out. I woke up the next morning and I felt like I had been in a complete fog. It didn’t feel real. This was the guy that told me all day long how beautiful I was, that brought me breakfast and coffee in bed, that told me how I had changed his life. It was so surreal that I think I almost doubted my own memory of what had happened.

I can’t remember the exact timeline of different events that occurred in my 10 month relationship with him, but I became a shell of a human being. We got into an argument in the car one time driving home, and he slammed my head into the right side window of the car. I remember walking away during an argument as he was screaming at me, and he told me if I took another step he was going to kick me down the stairs.

One night we were out and I had just gotten the vibe that something was going to happen. Anytime he would drink he would slowly get really aggressive, and I just knew that I had to get out of there. There were girls all around him and I didn’t even care, I knew I just had to leave. I was praying the whole way home that he would just go to his house and pass out. I was so scared that he would show up at my apartment and break down the door, (because it had happened before) I was shaking. I remember sleeping in the bathtub that night with a blanket and towels, thinking that if he did come, he wouldn’t think to look for me there. The nature of all of our arguments were surrounded by jealousy. I had my own apartment while we were dating, and he hated it because he didn’t want me to have any independence or anywhere that I could go to that didn’t involve him. One (of the many) times I tried breaking up with him, he showed up at my apartment and grabbed me and threw me onto the floor. Another time we had gone out and I left and went to my girlfriends house, knowing, once again, something bad was about to happen. I woke up the next morning with voicemails from inmate #12388753; He had gotten a DUI and called to let me know it was my fault. (What a turn on!) When we first met I got a phone call from Playboy and they wanted to fly me out the next day for a shoot. Initially he was so proud and excited for me, he helped me fill out a bunch of paperwork online so I could pack. As soon as I got back from the shoot he called me a slut for modeling for them. (Insert laughing emoji here.)

Right before any abuse had happened, my friends from Orlando came to stay with us. My girlfriend had started a sunglass company and wanted me to be the face of her line (I mean duh, if she picked anyone else I would have been salty) and our other mutual friend was a photographer, so it was the perfect scenario. We had been shooting all day, and obviously I was in full hair and makeup. I remember I could feel his vibe, I could tell he was jealous about me shooting with a guy, but he played it cool and was really accommodating to all my friends. Anytime I shoot I feel so happy and free, and I knew he resented that I had an outlet that wasn’t related to him that brought me so much happiness. He ended up taking all of us out to dinner and everyone spent the night, and my friends left having no idea what I was about to endure.

When we first started dating he asked me about a certain person that I had dated before him (yearsssss before him) and I never wanted to talk about it because I knew deep down he didn’t really want to hear the answer. One day he was in a good mood and just casually brought it up, asking if I had had sex with said-certain-guy. I said yes, we dated. A few days later he wanted me to come talk to him, so I walked in the room and sat down next to him. He looked at me and asked “Did you regret it?” I said, “Regret what??” “Dating that guy.” “Um… no?.” He reached down and grabbed me by my hair, and dragged me through the room, across the hall and into our bedroom. I was screaming and begging him to stop. He threw me up onto the bed, hit me in the stomach and kicked me in the side when he was standing over me. The craziest part about this is that he always had friends around. I know his guy friends were downstairs, and they had to have heard what was going on. All I can remember is yelling “Get the fuck away from me!” over and over again. That was the first time that it had ever been so severe. I scrambled to grab some outfits and my makeup case because I was late to film a show that day called “Hot Girls and Sports.” I walked to my car and he came out and was begging me not to leave him. I remember driving to set, hands on the steering wheel, just in a complete daze. I remember staring at the road thinking “Holy shit. I’m in an abusive relationship.” I was completely scared for my life. I threw my hair in a bun because I looked disheveled, and I had to go straight to set and have my smiling Aubrey Evans personality and game face on to work.

Right before the abuse started happening, one of my girlfriends had been reaching out to me all the time to help her through a toxic relationship she was in. She always told me how strong I was; I was the one person she could come to without feeling judged, and that she looked up to me for not ever taking shit from anyone. The fact that out of all people, I ended up in this kind of relationship, is what makes this story all the more visceral and frankly, like something out of a horror movie.

That night when I got back from set, I was completely empty. I knew I had to leave him, yet I was terrified that he would catch me in the middle of packing my stuff. I remember he went to the gym and texted me asking if I wanted a smoothie. I could barely even breathe, because I knew that that meant he was almost done working out, and he’d be coming home soon. If you’re reading this and you don’t understand how I didn’t just leave, then you’ve probably never been in a situation where you literally felt like you could have ended up dead.  

Soon after that he had to go to New York to film a show. He was blowing my phone up, telling me he loved me and that he would never put his hands on me again; he wanted his girl back, he wanted to be a better man for me. (In order to be a better man you have to first, be an actual man, but whatever.) His friend showed up one day at my apartment with an envelope of money. I could just tell by the look on his face that he knew what I went through. He knew that I needed to leave, and he wanted me to use it to get a new apartment. I immediately found one that I really loved; (The man upstairs was watching out for me obvy) It was impossible to get into the building unless you actually lived there, and had security guards and a guard gate; so obviously I was sold. I officially became a resident in Fort Knox.

Now, at first I hesitated in writing this last part because the fact that that wasn’t the official end is inconceivable, but this is a part of my journey and to pretend that I’ve never had weak moments would make me inhuman. Here we go. He got back from his trip and came over to my apartment. He asked me what was wrong, and I just said I can’t do this. I could never forgive you. He looked at me and said, “I need you to call your parents and tell them that I didn’t do to you what you said I did. I never kicked you, I never hit you Aubrey. It wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. You were being dramatic.” (The term for this is ‘gas lighting’. It’s a tactic that abusive people use to make you doubt your own reality.) All of a sudden my life flashed before my eyes. He literally was trying to manipulate me in believing that none of the abuse had happened. In that moment I felt all of my inner strength come to me, and I knew in my soul that that day I was going to get my life back. I was no longer scared of him. I just started freaking out, telling him to get the F out of my apartment. I had no fear. I was no longer afraid of what he could do to me, because I knew that I had it within myself to make it through anything life had thrown my way. He was furious, but I could tell that he knew I was really done. I can’t remember anything he said but he broke a hole through my bedroom door on the way out.

And that was it.

 That was the day that changed my life forever. I looked at someone in the eye that had physically and emotionally abused me, and I freed myself. I immediately changed my phone number, and never looked back. When I was going through all of that, I never told my friends because I didn’t want them to carry the weight of what I was dealing with. I’m the type of person that will jump on a plane in a heartbeat to help my friends, and I didn’t want anyone that cared about me to have to bear the weight of feeling helpless for my situation. Anyone could just tell me “Just leave him.” But, you don’t understand. A monster doesn’t just disappear, it’s not that easy.

Some people go through life struggles and they allow themselves to become a victim because of their circumstances. I look at life in the complete opposite way. I’ve been through literal hell, but you know what? From the bottom of my heart, I’m thankful for it. Imagine life as a two way street. Imagine you’re standing on the road, and there’s two paths you can take. The path on the left is smooth, paved, and newly painted. The path on the right is bumpy, uneven and full of potholes. I always was someone that chose the unbeaten path. I never wanted to follow a road that everyone else was on, I wanted to pave my own way. Did I walk on that path knowing I was going to end up in an abusive relationship? No. I was always the girl that would be like “BYE!” the second a guy did something stupid. (And I still am that girl lol) But I truly believe that the things that are put in front of us serve a purpose.

There’s a saying. “Nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” I learned so much about myself from that situation, I learned that I can make it out of anything from my own personal strength. I hesitated for so long to actually publish this specific blog, because there was a part of me that felt like people might see me as being weak for having gone through something like that. It took a long time to realize that confronting an image of weakness or shame is the last step in freeing yourself from any darkness you’ve gone through; and I know I am the woman that I am, not because of what I went through, but how I walked through the fire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Itty Bitty Titty Committee

-To start off this blog post I want to say that whatever you want to do with your body is your own personal choice; I am not writing this to influence you in any way, shape or form. If you’re currently considering getting implants, I am not here to sway you in any direction. I am simply writing my story, my own personal experience,                        because I believe it’s important for women to share their truths. I think women are beautiful in every way, and in our society there’s already enough pressure to look a certain way; the less opinion’s we all have about what others should do with their bodies, the better.-

Now, here’s my story. 

In July of 2014 I got breast implants. New boobz. I was never insecure about what God had given me naturally, but for some reason at the time I felt that having bigger, rounder breasts would somehow make me feel like more of a woman. The irony is that my entire life I was extremely against getting implants. When I first started modeling, I had photographers ask me if I was ever going to get them, and I said hell no, never.  [To all the men reading this, if you have the audacity to try to influence a woman to enhance/change her body to appease you, you should 1. Be open to getting a dick enhancement and 2. I reiterate my last statement.]

Ok fast forward to 2014. One of my girlfriends had gotten implants and I had absolutely no idea that hers weren’t natural, they looked amazing. She told me who her doctor was and I ended up making a consultation out of curiosity. I had worked so long as a model au natural, and I thought that getting new boobs would just push me further considering working with me post boob job would be like shooting an all new model. I also had Playmate dreams, at the time, and people I worked with that I really trusted told me it basically couldn’t happen without getting my boobs done. After I went to my consultation I decided right away I wanted them, I couldn’t wait. Coming from a girl that was pretty much against it her entire life, if I was going to do it I was going to go to the best doctor possible, and make sure I absolutely loved the outcome. And I did.

But my doctor never warned me about the possibility of any negative side affects. Over the past couple years I started seeing a lot of women talking about Breast Implant Illness, and how they believed that their implants were making them sick (in some way, shape or form.) Crystal Hefner had gotten hers removed because she believed they caused her Lyme disease. Karen Mcdougal (the Playmate linked to our current prez) had hers taken out because she was in critical pain for a decade, going to doctor after doctor with no results.

About two years ago I started missing my old body. I’ve always had a slender build, and having implants slowly just started getting more and more uncomfortable. I actually missed being able to wear a sports bra at the gym and not have cleavage showing. I missed being my natural self. I think a lot of this comes with the power of self love; years ago I felt like getting implants would make me feel like more of a woman, but it took me getting them to realize that nothing I add to my body could make me more of a woman then I already am; the size of your chest has nothing to do with the person you are inside.

Aesthetics aside, I started getting random severe pain in my left breast, sometimes to the point where I felt like something had erupted. They looked perfect on the outside, but internally I just wanted to rip them out. I’ve also struggled with severe migraines and fatigue, and I kept coming across articles and interviews showing people that were struggling with the same things as I was, and their implants were causing inflammation in their bodies. (If you ask any doctor, they will tell you that Breast Implant Illness is not a thing, and it’s not documented. But the breast implant industry alone, in 2016, was recorded at a market value of 1 billion dollars. So why would any doctors acknowledge the possible negatives when they’re pocketing so much money off of this ever growing industry?)

I started looking at old pictures of myself and I just knew in my heart that I wanted to go back to the old me, the way God had made me. I’ve never been the type of person that waits for others’ opinion’s before making a decision for myself; my decisions are solely based on my gut. My gut was telling me that getting them removed was the right thing to do. I started researching Explant Removal Specialist, and I came up with a list of doctors to call and set up consultations with. I found specialists in Newport, Denver, Las Vegas, Minnesota, and Scottsdale. I immediately called everyone on my list, asking a multitude of questions, getting a feel for which doctors I felt were the most knowledgeable, and that I felt comfortable with. The first surgeon I met with was Doctor Debra Bash, in Scottsdale. Immediately I knew that I wanted her to perform my surgery. Not only was it extremely empowering to see an office full of women that had such amazing job titles, but she didn’t try to sway me into actually getting the surgery. She asked me when I wanted to have it done, and I told her ASAP. I didn’t need any time to think about it, I knew that it was what I wanted to do.

I had my surgery on the 17th of April. I flew my sister in from Minnesota the day before, and she told me right before I was about to go under how strong I was for making the decision to take them out. In that moment I knew that there was no going back, and I told her that I couldn’t wait to look like a little boy again. LOL. Not joking; those were my exact words.

To say that getting my implants removed was empowering would be a complete understatement. I don’t regret getting them in the first place, because at the time it was what I wanted. I got to experience what it was like having them, and it took me getting a boob job to really appreciate what I was given naturally.

The human body is seriously remarkable. It took me 5 days to recover. 5 DAYS! I had implants in for 4 years, and I’m just so thankful that I look exactly how I did before my initial surgery.  Granted, I owe most of that to my amazing surgeon, but it just amazes me how quickly the human body can snap back. [I only hope my body snaps back that quickly after having a baby inside of me lol]

This post was very personal for me, considering I’m an innately private person. But a lot of my followers on social media are actually women, and I think it’s important for us to be vulnerable sometimes in order to help others be self empowered. If you want to get your boobs done, GET IT GIRL. I just feel that it’s important to always stay true to yourself, and make decisions based on your own internal assessment. You don’t need to do anything to be more of a woman, to be more beautiful, to be more attractive. Whatever it is that makes you happy, do that. I couldn’t be more happier with the decision I made, I don’t have any negatives to speak on. The only downside of getting my implants taken out is I can’t tell myself I can’t run or do certain workouts on account of my boobs bouncing up and down; I’m going to have to come up with other excuses.

 

It Takes Two to Tango

Cosmopolitan magazine has been around since I was a pre teen. Every month there’s a different beautiful celebrity on the cover, and pasted in large bold is always a sex tip on “How to please your man!”. Before I get into my opinion on this bullshit, let me say this. I am in no way, shape or form a feminist. I just believe in women being strong, assertive and self empowered. I’m very old fashioned when it comes to “gender roles”, i.e. I believe that men should be chivalrous and open our doors for us, get out of the car and pump the gas, and when I’m dying from cramps and I want to punch you in the face, go to Walgreens and grab tampons for me. The plastic ones, NOT the cardboard. Ouch. (Just hide them under a bag of chips. Gluten free, please.) If you happen to be a guy reading this and you’re thinking “HA. There’s no way in hell I would get tampons for you, that’s emasculating.” 1. You probably don’t know what ’emasculating’ means and 2. I would’ve swept left on you on a dating app, anyways. (Is it left? Or right? I don’t know. Whichever the way that gives you the satisfaction of denying someone.)

Why is it that a magazine, every single month, is focusing on women pleasing their man? How about you turn the narrative around, and give a slow and (relatively) easy step by step instruction on how men can please us? I’m pretty sure I’m not alone when I say that there are enough “Jack of all trades, master of none” guys in the world. I’m simply stating that there’s enough men out there in the world that think they’re the masters at what they’re doing. In the bedroom. When really, in actual fact, they’ve been spending too much time watching porn and not enough time focused on what the woman that they’re with actually wants. Why does a magazine direct the pressure of our sexual experience onto us, the women? Making it seem like the entire act is pressured on us and us alone and our performance. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that a woman has to be either mentally, emotionally or physically stimulated before anything sexual can happen. This means that leading up to the act, it’s about what both people have collectively brought to the table, not just what us, women, are bringing forth. If in fact I am right, (which in this case I believe I am) why does society put the weight of our intimate experiences on us and the skills we bring to the table? Why does a magazine, that is written for women, by women and about women, make us focus month after month on how we can make our men happy? Instead of making young women believe that they need to do reverse cowgirl while doggystyle-ing (just added the ing in there. lol) and 69ing while also making a sandwich, (all at the same time in order to be a real woman), shouldn’t we be sending a different message?

Reverting back to the beginning of my post, I want to reiterate that there’s nothing wrong with writing a “how to” for women, because I’m sure we all at some point or another have wanted to expand our minds when it comes to sex. I’m saying that the dialogue this magazine (and I’m sure many others) is pushing is insinuating that if you don’t do A. B. & C., your man is going to leave you. If you’re not comfortable doing a certain thing in the bedroom, guess what? You don’t have to do it. We all have a different comfort level, we all have different inhibitions. If a man really leaves you because you aren’t doing something that he wants you to be doing (sexually), then screw him. I mean, don’t screw him. If I was a writer at Cosmo my column would be called ‘How to Show Men the Door When They Suck”, and I know that it would be dialogue that all woman can relate to. (Including myself. Obviously.)

Regardless if this magazine is intended for adults, Cosmopolitan gets in the hand of every pre teen girl and her group of friends. I understand that women out there want to know a man’s opinion on what to do and what not to do, seemingly so that we can bring our best self (aka set of skills) to the bedroom. But the point of my post is that a magazine that is supposedly meant for “women and uplifting women” shouldn’t be influencing us to believe that if you’re not doing the 113 positions as listed in article, that you’re not enough of a woman. Of course we want to get in the mind of our partners, in order to understand what they want and how to please them. That’s just a part of human nature. But I think the articles that are being published year after year pointing directly at what woman can do so their man doesn’t leave them, is sending the wrong message to our society.

Men aren’t the only ones that have standards when it comes to performance in the bedroom. (Breaking news.) Articles that are consistently based around showing women how to be “up to par” is creating an image that men are the only ones that have the power of opinion in the sex department. I’m personally waiting for ‘Mens Health’ magazine to come out with a “How to Please Your Woman” column, because there’s enough guys out there that need a step by step guide on what to do, (and more importantly what NOT to do). (Not that I know any personally or anything..)

It takes two to tango. Whether you’re straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, it doesn’t matter. Sex is such a broad spectrum, it’s a topic that we all want to read about. The articles that are put out into the world are being absorbed and influencing young women, so the dialogue that is being printed should be asserting both sides of the pendulum. Life isn’t just about what we, as women can do differently to keep a man around. We all want a great sex life. Cosmopolitan magazine should be writing about how two individuals can come together and please each other, without one person’s role being more influential then another. It’s just as much up to the man to assert himself as it is the woman.